I can’t help but feel like a pawn in this huge game
I’m waiting to cross the board and become something better
I feel like all I do is follow the other pieces
And all I’m good for is a sacrifice in order to progress
But I’m here to say I’m tired of being on the front lines
I’m tired of being a tool for the use of some player
I will work my way across the black and white squares
And reach the final row where I can be transformed
From this lowly pawn into a powerful queen
Monday, October 20, 2008
Sunday, October 19, 2008
The Silence That Killed Me
Today, I hold on to your whispering sing-a-longs (because that’s what kept me awake).
A journey, with expectations and the like. None of us were confident, but we arrived at our destination to joyous news that we all chuckled at and would remind ourselves of it when the biting cold was too much to bear.
But it was the silence that killed me. The dead air between us where I expected stunning conversation, full of sideways glances like they always are. Today, however was different.
Was you or was it me? Your body was two feet away from mine but your mind was a hundred miles away in a different time. Reminiscing about the last time you made this trip perhaps, with a completely different group of people. I know the feeling, you aren’t alone.
Then there was that brief moment, in the midst of the throbbing crowd where you looked up into my eyes and I looked down into yours and for that brief moment there wasn’t a thousand screaming fans way to close for comfort, there wasn’t the loud thump of the bass drum of the screeching singing, where it was just you and me. The world stopped, the world went mute, and my peripheral went blind. A spark formed, right there in the midst of sweat and blood and beer. That spark settled deep into my spirit and it warmed me and told me “this is where we belong, it will all be alright”.
But it was the silence that killed me. Soon after we were separated by the crowd like in a bad chick flick. I tried to get back to you but I just couldn’t, the crowd was too dense, the noise was too much.
And it was the silence on the return trip that killed me. It was obvious, how you would zone out and you would instantly be in another place and another time. How I wish I could’ve joined you. I wanted so hard to just extend my hand and grab yours and bring you back to the world of the living and the present time, but I was scared. Scared of the consequences of perhaps moving too quickly, of maybe distracting you from what you thought was important. So I didn’t. I focused on the white reflectors on my side of the lane and drove, drove for what seemed like years but was only hours. I took you home and I hoped, I prayed that we could exchange some form of goodbye that would be meaningful, that would make up for my lack of pursuit these past weeks. But none came. You were getting out of my car, but in your mind you were somewhere else. You were no where near me in any way, shape, or form except physically.
I drove home and stretched out on my bed, knowing I would be waking up in five hours and that you would be awake at that moment too. All the cheesy and romantic things I ever thought of came flooding into my mind, of what I could do to possibly make this worth while. I walked out on my porch, numb to the horrible cold, and looked to the sky, wondering if you were looking up and seeing the same stars I saw.
I fall asleep with you on my mind. I can almost feel your soft, cold lips pressed against mine even though I have never felt them. At that moment I decided that I have gotten the crap kicked out of me by love. I never want to admit it, but I can’t hold it in any longer. I woke up and the first thing I saw was your beautiful face in my mind’s eye and I was terrified of the possibility that we can never be together.
But then I read what you said, about crying and weeping over the past year and the differences between the then and now and I can’t help but think it’s all my fault. I was the one that brought you back to that spot and brought back memories apparently you didn’t want. At that moment, I cried with you. Cause I have been there. I know the feeling of the blackness ever consuming. You were there to bring me out, and now I hope I can be here for you.
Sitting here, I just wish we could be back in that crowd, with your body semi-willingly pressed against mine by the crowd and your eyes (which could outshine the sun, no contest) gazing into mine, where we were both in a world devoid of anything else, and you didn’t have to remember the memories that brought you so much pain.
A journey, with expectations and the like. None of us were confident, but we arrived at our destination to joyous news that we all chuckled at and would remind ourselves of it when the biting cold was too much to bear.
But it was the silence that killed me. The dead air between us where I expected stunning conversation, full of sideways glances like they always are. Today, however was different.
Was you or was it me? Your body was two feet away from mine but your mind was a hundred miles away in a different time. Reminiscing about the last time you made this trip perhaps, with a completely different group of people. I know the feeling, you aren’t alone.
Then there was that brief moment, in the midst of the throbbing crowd where you looked up into my eyes and I looked down into yours and for that brief moment there wasn’t a thousand screaming fans way to close for comfort, there wasn’t the loud thump of the bass drum of the screeching singing, where it was just you and me. The world stopped, the world went mute, and my peripheral went blind. A spark formed, right there in the midst of sweat and blood and beer. That spark settled deep into my spirit and it warmed me and told me “this is where we belong, it will all be alright”.
But it was the silence that killed me. Soon after we were separated by the crowd like in a bad chick flick. I tried to get back to you but I just couldn’t, the crowd was too dense, the noise was too much.
And it was the silence on the return trip that killed me. It was obvious, how you would zone out and you would instantly be in another place and another time. How I wish I could’ve joined you. I wanted so hard to just extend my hand and grab yours and bring you back to the world of the living and the present time, but I was scared. Scared of the consequences of perhaps moving too quickly, of maybe distracting you from what you thought was important. So I didn’t. I focused on the white reflectors on my side of the lane and drove, drove for what seemed like years but was only hours. I took you home and I hoped, I prayed that we could exchange some form of goodbye that would be meaningful, that would make up for my lack of pursuit these past weeks. But none came. You were getting out of my car, but in your mind you were somewhere else. You were no where near me in any way, shape, or form except physically.
I drove home and stretched out on my bed, knowing I would be waking up in five hours and that you would be awake at that moment too. All the cheesy and romantic things I ever thought of came flooding into my mind, of what I could do to possibly make this worth while. I walked out on my porch, numb to the horrible cold, and looked to the sky, wondering if you were looking up and seeing the same stars I saw.
I fall asleep with you on my mind. I can almost feel your soft, cold lips pressed against mine even though I have never felt them. At that moment I decided that I have gotten the crap kicked out of me by love. I never want to admit it, but I can’t hold it in any longer. I woke up and the first thing I saw was your beautiful face in my mind’s eye and I was terrified of the possibility that we can never be together.
But then I read what you said, about crying and weeping over the past year and the differences between the then and now and I can’t help but think it’s all my fault. I was the one that brought you back to that spot and brought back memories apparently you didn’t want. At that moment, I cried with you. Cause I have been there. I know the feeling of the blackness ever consuming. You were there to bring me out, and now I hope I can be here for you.
Sitting here, I just wish we could be back in that crowd, with your body semi-willingly pressed against mine by the crowd and your eyes (which could outshine the sun, no contest) gazing into mine, where we were both in a world devoid of anything else, and you didn’t have to remember the memories that brought you so much pain.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
i appearantly walk a thin line
today i had an opportunity. an opportunity to shed light on the way i think, the way i feel. now all i've done is question everything i've ever thought, everything i've ever believed. its a nice feeling; as least i am not so grounded and blinded that i cannot change, but its also a little disconcerting because what if i have been wrong all this years? does that make me stupid, ignorant, or blinded by what i have chosen to see?
does what you believe define someone? depending on the topic i would normally say yes, but now im not so certain. where is the line between respect and acceptance? i was told today that its a very thin line i walk and appearently so, but is a line worth treading at all? is it even possible to respect someones beliefs without agreeing? it is so hard, because if you respect it long enough eventually you will come to accept it. how does one go about questioning things or discussing things without bias or without emotion or without distaste? i have a reputation of being open-minded, but the religion/relationship with God i have tells me that i believe in something very close-minded. "I am the way, the Truth, and the Life, no one comes to Father but through me" Jesus said. is there a difference in being open-minded to someone elses ideas and beliefs while knowing that if they don't agree with me they're wrong? i have faith in my God, 100%. does that make me a bad person? because what i believe says that everyone that disagrees is going to hell, does that make me a bad person? some would say yes
does what you believe define someone? depending on the topic i would normally say yes, but now im not so certain. where is the line between respect and acceptance? i was told today that its a very thin line i walk and appearently so, but is a line worth treading at all? is it even possible to respect someones beliefs without agreeing? it is so hard, because if you respect it long enough eventually you will come to accept it. how does one go about questioning things or discussing things without bias or without emotion or without distaste? i have a reputation of being open-minded, but the religion/relationship with God i have tells me that i believe in something very close-minded. "I am the way, the Truth, and the Life, no one comes to Father but through me" Jesus said. is there a difference in being open-minded to someone elses ideas and beliefs while knowing that if they don't agree with me they're wrong? i have faith in my God, 100%. does that make me a bad person? because what i believe says that everyone that disagrees is going to hell, does that make me a bad person? some would say yes
Monday, October 13, 2008
Saturday
*this is me returning to my habit of writing cheesy songs about good days*
The day we got up early to watch the sunrise
Even though the fog blocked out the sun
I still got to see the view I was hoping for
Cause baby your eyes shine like the brightest jewel
And every time we touch its seems like you're just adding fuel
You smile and my world shatters like a pane of glass
We stand there on top of the world, we’re here at last
I just wish I could go back to Saturday
It’s the day we were sitting on your best friends couch
Watching a movie even though we both know
I wasn't paying the TV a bit of attention
Cause baby your eyes shine like the brightest jewel
And every time we touch its seems like you're just adding fuel
You smile and my world shatters like a pane of glass
We stand there on top of the world, we’re here at last
I just wish I could go back to Saturday
Looking back on that day
I can’t help but stare at pictures you took
The one with my arm around you
Or maybe the one you took
Of my lying on the grass
This is true love, this is life
Cause baby your eyes shine like the brightest jewel
And every time we touch its seems like you're just adding fuel
You smile and my world shatters like a pane of glass
We stand there on top of the world, we’re here at last
I just wish I could go back to Saturday
The day we got up early to watch the sunrise
Even though the fog blocked out the sun
I still got to see the view I was hoping for
Cause baby your eyes shine like the brightest jewel
And every time we touch its seems like you're just adding fuel
You smile and my world shatters like a pane of glass
We stand there on top of the world, we’re here at last
I just wish I could go back to Saturday
It’s the day we were sitting on your best friends couch
Watching a movie even though we both know
I wasn't paying the TV a bit of attention
Cause baby your eyes shine like the brightest jewel
And every time we touch its seems like you're just adding fuel
You smile and my world shatters like a pane of glass
We stand there on top of the world, we’re here at last
I just wish I could go back to Saturday
Looking back on that day
I can’t help but stare at pictures you took
The one with my arm around you
Or maybe the one you took
Of my lying on the grass
This is true love, this is life
Cause baby your eyes shine like the brightest jewel
And every time we touch its seems like you're just adding fuel
You smile and my world shatters like a pane of glass
We stand there on top of the world, we’re here at last
I just wish I could go back to Saturday
Friday, October 10, 2008
Today, yesterday, tomorrow
Today has potential
Today has the potential of being something great, something that wasn’t before
Today has potential
But yesterday, yesterday is inconsequential
There is no looking back, because today is where the potential lies, yesterday’s potential has passed
Yesterday is gone
But tomorrow, tomorrow doesn’t matter
Does the bird worry where it will get its food the next day? Does not our God care even more for us?
Tomorrow will never come
Today, today is where the potential for greatness lies
Today has the potential of being something great, something that wasn’t before
Today has potential
But yesterday, yesterday is inconsequential
There is no looking back, because today is where the potential lies, yesterday’s potential has passed
Yesterday is gone
But tomorrow, tomorrow doesn’t matter
Does the bird worry where it will get its food the next day? Does not our God care even more for us?
Tomorrow will never come
Today, today is where the potential for greatness lies
Monday, October 6, 2008
can't help but write
Can't help but write. It's supposed to be an English paper due in three days but i just can't work on it. One I don't have my books. Two I just can't focus.
Explaining some stuff to my parents turned out to be an enormous deal. I just wanted to go camping this weekend and it somehow turned into a discussion about these friends that would shove me into the "bitch tent" because of my parents rules, but not only that but because of my beliefs and attempt at purity. These are also the group of friends who poke fun at a college I want to go to because I'm not allowed to drink or watch R movies. Heck, I know nothing will happen, but I think that one statement opened up my parents eyes to my world, where nothing is for sure and the things you thought were true are no longer firmly founded. It's a growing phase for sure. But it definitely get me thinking. My parents don't know anything really about my friends other than half of them don't believe in the things I do and I want to scream and yell and cry and explain that that isn't all in life. I can't force anyone to believe in my God, I can only show them that my God is an incredible gift that I have been given even though I am a terrible person and He is available to all. It got me thinking is this where I need to be? Is this where I thought I'd be? A year ago I would've never even attempted to go on a camping trip with girls and guys and no parents, now I didn't even give it a second thought. Four hours ago I would've said that is because the things around me changed, but now I'm starting to think I am the one who has changed.
And I can't decide if it's for the best. I have an awesome set of friends, some Christians, some confused, some unbelievers. It's been said that it's easier to be brought down then to bring other people up and it's completely true. I've started cussing and using more coarse jokes. But I've also found my creative side, I've grown to understand a different side of the God I was shown in Sunday School, and I've found friends that make me happy. We never due anything wrong, but every now and then I get this guilty feeling and I wonder what I've forgotten and I can't seem to remember. Is this the right path? or did somewhere down the path of life did I get turned around?
When people told me they did a lot of bad stuff because of the people they were hanging out with I always knew I would never be that guy, that I would surround myself with good people. And I think I have, I love every single one of my friends. But I can't help but feel like I'm being brought down and not doing enough bringing up. If only I knew what has changed in other peoples lives because of me. I told one of my friends this week that he has become the face of homosexuality for me. I wonder, am I the face of Christianity for him? And if I am, should I be? Does my life reflect the Christ I wish to show or does it reflect the people around me?
Explaining some stuff to my parents turned out to be an enormous deal. I just wanted to go camping this weekend and it somehow turned into a discussion about these friends that would shove me into the "bitch tent" because of my parents rules, but not only that but because of my beliefs and attempt at purity. These are also the group of friends who poke fun at a college I want to go to because I'm not allowed to drink or watch R movies. Heck, I know nothing will happen, but I think that one statement opened up my parents eyes to my world, where nothing is for sure and the things you thought were true are no longer firmly founded. It's a growing phase for sure. But it definitely get me thinking. My parents don't know anything really about my friends other than half of them don't believe in the things I do and I want to scream and yell and cry and explain that that isn't all in life. I can't force anyone to believe in my God, I can only show them that my God is an incredible gift that I have been given even though I am a terrible person and He is available to all. It got me thinking is this where I need to be? Is this where I thought I'd be? A year ago I would've never even attempted to go on a camping trip with girls and guys and no parents, now I didn't even give it a second thought. Four hours ago I would've said that is because the things around me changed, but now I'm starting to think I am the one who has changed.
And I can't decide if it's for the best. I have an awesome set of friends, some Christians, some confused, some unbelievers. It's been said that it's easier to be brought down then to bring other people up and it's completely true. I've started cussing and using more coarse jokes. But I've also found my creative side, I've grown to understand a different side of the God I was shown in Sunday School, and I've found friends that make me happy. We never due anything wrong, but every now and then I get this guilty feeling and I wonder what I've forgotten and I can't seem to remember. Is this the right path? or did somewhere down the path of life did I get turned around?
When people told me they did a lot of bad stuff because of the people they were hanging out with I always knew I would never be that guy, that I would surround myself with good people. And I think I have, I love every single one of my friends. But I can't help but feel like I'm being brought down and not doing enough bringing up. If only I knew what has changed in other peoples lives because of me. I told one of my friends this week that he has become the face of homosexuality for me. I wonder, am I the face of Christianity for him? And if I am, should I be? Does my life reflect the Christ I wish to show or does it reflect the people around me?
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