Overcast skies have brought overwhelming confusing with no hope for escape. I grow ever weary of looking to the sky to see a blanket of almost nothingness, I miss being able to see the almost 3D texture of elegant clouds accented by the sunlight, but they have been replaced with flat sheets much like your bed. These never brightening days drive me toward loneliness, the world reflecting my mood, my emotions, my feelings (every morning I pray for a ray of sunlight through the clouds and I am rewarded by a hand nestled in mine. coincidence? i think not, because when the clouds are too much I run away from it all and I can't be trusted with myself).
And these past weeks there has been an inner battle fighting and raging, one side looking to something unhealthy but guaranteed for relief and the other striving to something healthy and beautiful, yet its presence is never a sure thing. So far I have fended off the wolves biting on my heels but my legs grow weak and tired of running and my heart aches for a place instead of my hands.
This cage still surrounds me unexpectedly; the keys are just out of reach and I can almost reach.
Leaving for a couple of days are going to kill me. I anticipate coming home with pages and pages written by a fireplace without you by my side and I don't know if I have anything to look forward to when I return. Am I going to be seeing you? or am I going to simply be held behind these four walls. If the latter comes to be the case, expect calls needing to see you, with my parents gone and my chains released for a couple of hours I will need you to say yes and drive quickly to some pre-decided place (most likely somewhere with coffee and other assorted hot drinks) so I can simply look into your eyes and cry "This is where I'm supposed to be, where are you supposed to be?"
And this letter I have in my bag for you is words of honesty and goofiness, but know that if I do give this to you I don't do many things with out meaning behind every word and every sentence, because that's my game, to relive conversations and pick apart our words to find the meaning behind them (our unconsciousness appears more often you would like to believe, each word has premeditated meaning and every sentence reveals more than just how I'm doing today).
Friday, December 19, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
Forever Warm
We're waiting here in the dark
For something to come along and light the spark
But my heart is lying in broken pieces, incomplete,
Without you by my side
So won’t you heal me, complete me
Take my hands and tell me you need me
This world is cold with harsh wind and snow
But as long as you hold this song in your heart,
You will be forever warm
And now we’re here, by the light
Holding on to something that just feels right
But my heart is lying in broken pieces, incomplete
Without you by my side
So won’t you heal me, complete me
Take my hands and tell me you need me
This world is cold with harsh wind and snow
But as long as this song is in your heart,
You will be forever warm
Reach up, I’ll take you hand
And raise you up from the dead
I’ll be here for you tonight
Lean against me and feel alright
Because you heal me, complete me
You took my hands and told me you need me
This world is cold with harsh wind and snow
But as long as this song is in your heart,
You will be forever warm
For something to come along and light the spark
But my heart is lying in broken pieces, incomplete,
Without you by my side
So won’t you heal me, complete me
Take my hands and tell me you need me
This world is cold with harsh wind and snow
But as long as you hold this song in your heart,
You will be forever warm
And now we’re here, by the light
Holding on to something that just feels right
But my heart is lying in broken pieces, incomplete
Without you by my side
So won’t you heal me, complete me
Take my hands and tell me you need me
This world is cold with harsh wind and snow
But as long as this song is in your heart,
You will be forever warm
Reach up, I’ll take you hand
And raise you up from the dead
I’ll be here for you tonight
Lean against me and feel alright
Because you heal me, complete me
You took my hands and told me you need me
This world is cold with harsh wind and snow
But as long as this song is in your heart,
You will be forever warm
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Honestly/Thanks from TWLOHA / Thanksgiving to me
Hey everyone. I know this is a little late seeing as Thanksgiving has come and gone, but I read this and it really hit me big. This is a blog from To Write Love On Her Arms that was posted a little over a week ago that I wanted to share. I added stuff to the end with my own thoughts.
**********************
http://www.twloha.com/blog/honestly-thanks/
Just wanted to say a quick hello and Happy Thanksgiving. It's an interesting day where families get together and we're invited to consider the things for which we're thankful. i suppose this holiday, like pretty much every holiday, can look and feel a lot of different ways. In some homes, i imagine it's epic and people stand and share aloud the things they're thankful for. For others, it might just be a lot of football on television and conversations that stick close to the surface. Maybe it's a day you love and look forward to, an easy day. Maybe it's a difficult day, rooms filled with elephants, things left unsaid or people simply missing...
No matter which version sounds familiar, i think there's something powerful about taking a day or even some fraction of a day and pausing to consider that we have some things to be thankful for. Because if we're not careful, we start to buy the lies... We start to believe that we have nothing or that we are nothing or that we're alone. Shame creeps in and tells us that we're stuck, that we're too far gone, that our family is broken beyond repair...
Maybe Thanksgiving is a chance to remember that which is true, and to say it in the face of the lies. i think it's important to remember that the story isn't over, that there are things worth fighting for and living for, that beauty still happens and love still happens. Hope and redemption as well.
Take a moment tonight and consider these things.
What do you have to be thankful for?
Who do you love?
Who loves you?
Who needs you?
What are your dreams?
What's worth fighting for?
What's worth running after?
**********************
Thanksgiving was tough for me this year. With the recent passing of my mom's father and just some stuff that has popped up in my life the past month or so. I had high hopes for the break from school, hoping to take some time away from stuff and try to a objective look at my own life and see what the heck has been going on lately. My soul and emotions have been in raging turmoil the past weeks and I hate feeling that way I don't know what to do about it. I thought it was because of the lack of seeing my friends, because really my friends are my life. They keep me grounded, they keep me safe, they keep me alive. But upon my return to school and seeing them again, I discovered that was a deception; I only feel even more separated. I feel like people are treading on egg shells around me, that they don't treat me like a human being, but like a fragile doll. Some just don't, they seem to keep their distance and limit their time dealing with me to a bare minimal.
On Thanksgiving Day I wrote a list of things I'm thankful for and looking back it's a list of the most superficial crap. Friends, grades, what are they in the long run? I will be separated from the people I call friends now this time next year and I will have new friends. Don't get me wrong, I love all of you, but I can keep using you as my foundation, as the 'rock' i stand on because in reality its shifting sand. Even love, it's so fleeting. One moment you seem like you couldn't stand being apart from someone, the next you can't stand seeing them and you just have to walk away. The times spent together are amazing, and almost worth the time apart, but I give myself 9 months. In 9 months, where will we be? I will be following my heart and investing it in studying of the Word and investing into a younger generation and you will be either here or there, following your heart into the wilderness to find whatever is there.
I feel weird saying this, but I am thankful for my family and what they have provided for me. I will always love them, even though lately I definitely haven't liked them. They provide a house to return to, food to eat, clothes to wear, and a bed to sleep in. While I generally hate being there, my home is a constant in a life full of changing variables.
Above all, I am thankful for my Lord Jesus Christ and what He means to me. He will always be the Rock on which I stand. Even though I am quite often thrown off by the buffeting winds and try to stand on sand for a while, I always know He is there with outstretched hands ready to pull me back up. I don't live like I'm supposed to and yet He loves me.
So, in response to the questions Jamie posed at the end of his blog:
What do you have to be thankful for? a God who loves me unconditionally
Who do you love? I love my friends, despite what I often say, they do keep me alive a good portion of the time
Who loves you? At this moment, the only person's love I can count on are my parents and my God
Who needs you? No one, I am expendable.
What are your dreams? To one day be an example, someone people look up to
What's worth fighting for? My faith, my friends
What's worth running after? There is nothing worth running after except that which my God has laid before me
In closing, answer the questions yourself, and if you are up to it, post it. Everyone loves encouraging words, hugs of love, a simple smile full of affection. But often times what means the most to people (especially me who sucks at reading between the lines) are honest words that mean that say and say what you mean.
**********************
http://www.twloha.com/blog/honestly-thanks/
Just wanted to say a quick hello and Happy Thanksgiving. It's an interesting day where families get together and we're invited to consider the things for which we're thankful. i suppose this holiday, like pretty much every holiday, can look and feel a lot of different ways. In some homes, i imagine it's epic and people stand and share aloud the things they're thankful for. For others, it might just be a lot of football on television and conversations that stick close to the surface. Maybe it's a day you love and look forward to, an easy day. Maybe it's a difficult day, rooms filled with elephants, things left unsaid or people simply missing...
No matter which version sounds familiar, i think there's something powerful about taking a day or even some fraction of a day and pausing to consider that we have some things to be thankful for. Because if we're not careful, we start to buy the lies... We start to believe that we have nothing or that we are nothing or that we're alone. Shame creeps in and tells us that we're stuck, that we're too far gone, that our family is broken beyond repair...
Maybe Thanksgiving is a chance to remember that which is true, and to say it in the face of the lies. i think it's important to remember that the story isn't over, that there are things worth fighting for and living for, that beauty still happens and love still happens. Hope and redemption as well.
Take a moment tonight and consider these things.
What do you have to be thankful for?
Who do you love?
Who loves you?
Who needs you?
What are your dreams?
What's worth fighting for?
What's worth running after?
**********************
Thanksgiving was tough for me this year. With the recent passing of my mom's father and just some stuff that has popped up in my life the past month or so. I had high hopes for the break from school, hoping to take some time away from stuff and try to a objective look at my own life and see what the heck has been going on lately. My soul and emotions have been in raging turmoil the past weeks and I hate feeling that way I don't know what to do about it. I thought it was because of the lack of seeing my friends, because really my friends are my life. They keep me grounded, they keep me safe, they keep me alive. But upon my return to school and seeing them again, I discovered that was a deception; I only feel even more separated. I feel like people are treading on egg shells around me, that they don't treat me like a human being, but like a fragile doll. Some just don't, they seem to keep their distance and limit their time dealing with me to a bare minimal.
On Thanksgiving Day I wrote a list of things I'm thankful for and looking back it's a list of the most superficial crap. Friends, grades, what are they in the long run? I will be separated from the people I call friends now this time next year and I will have new friends. Don't get me wrong, I love all of you, but I can keep using you as my foundation, as the 'rock' i stand on because in reality its shifting sand. Even love, it's so fleeting. One moment you seem like you couldn't stand being apart from someone, the next you can't stand seeing them and you just have to walk away. The times spent together are amazing, and almost worth the time apart, but I give myself 9 months. In 9 months, where will we be? I will be following my heart and investing it in studying of the Word and investing into a younger generation and you will be either here or there, following your heart into the wilderness to find whatever is there.
I feel weird saying this, but I am thankful for my family and what they have provided for me. I will always love them, even though lately I definitely haven't liked them. They provide a house to return to, food to eat, clothes to wear, and a bed to sleep in. While I generally hate being there, my home is a constant in a life full of changing variables.
Above all, I am thankful for my Lord Jesus Christ and what He means to me. He will always be the Rock on which I stand. Even though I am quite often thrown off by the buffeting winds and try to stand on sand for a while, I always know He is there with outstretched hands ready to pull me back up. I don't live like I'm supposed to and yet He loves me.
So, in response to the questions Jamie posed at the end of his blog:
What do you have to be thankful for? a God who loves me unconditionally
Who do you love? I love my friends, despite what I often say, they do keep me alive a good portion of the time
Who loves you? At this moment, the only person's love I can count on are my parents and my God
Who needs you? No one, I am expendable.
What are your dreams? To one day be an example, someone people look up to
What's worth fighting for? My faith, my friends
What's worth running after? There is nothing worth running after except that which my God has laid before me
In closing, answer the questions yourself, and if you are up to it, post it. Everyone loves encouraging words, hugs of love, a simple smile full of affection. But often times what means the most to people (especially me who sucks at reading between the lines) are honest words that mean that say and say what you mean.
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