a ray of sunshine?

Overcast skies have brought overwhelming confusing with no hope for escape. I grow ever weary of looking to the sky to see a blanket of almost nothingness, I miss being able to see the almost 3D texture of elegant clouds accented by the sunlight, but they have been replaced with flat sheets much like your bed. These never brightening days drive me toward loneliness, the world reflecting my mood, my emotions, my feelings (every morning I pray for a ray of sunlight through the clouds and I am rewarded by a hand nestled in mine. coincidence? i think not, because when the clouds are too much I run away from it all and I can't be trusted with myself).

And these past weeks there has been an inner battle fighting and raging, one side looking to something unhealthy but guaranteed for relief and the other striving to something healthy and beautiful, yet its presence is never a sure thing. So far I have fended off the wolves biting on my heels but my legs grow weak and tired of running and my heart aches for a place instead of my hands.

This cage still surrounds me unexpectedly; the keys are just out of reach and I can almost reach.

Leaving for a couple of days are going to kill me. I anticipate coming home with pages and pages written by a fireplace without you by my side and I don't know if I have anything to look forward to when I return. Am I going to be seeing you? or am I going to simply be held behind these four walls. If the latter comes to be the case, expect calls needing to see you, with my parents gone and my chains released for a couple of hours I will need you to say yes and drive quickly to some pre-decided place (most likely somewhere with coffee and other assorted hot drinks) so I can simply look into your eyes and cry "This is where I'm supposed to be, where are you supposed to be?"

And this letter I have in my bag for you is words of honesty and goofiness, but know that if I do give this to you I don't do many things with out meaning behind every word and every sentence, because that's my game, to relive conversations and pick apart our words to find the meaning behind them (our unconsciousness appears more often you would like to believe, each word has premeditated meaning and every sentence reveals more than just how I'm doing today).